If I am MIA here, I might be tapping the keyboard at MaKiMeJi. Come join us there.
Sunday, December 31, 2006
Penned by ZAM at 2:11 PM
Thursday, December 28, 2006
I have finally decided to visit a salon to have my hair done. After a looooong time. Must have been a couple of years or so. Many months ago, I could have gotten a perm or something if not for the following reasons. First, I got pregnant. And during the entire length of my pregnancy, I have not done anything to my hair. And I have totally stayed away from chemicals – unnecessary beauty products included. True, I only kept to a shampoo- conditioner- soap routine at that time. Then, I gave birth and decided to breast fed my baby. So even after giving birth, I also had second thoughts to have my hair done. Apart from the fact that I don’t have time to spare for a salon visit (a luxury I have only dreamed of), I reckon to protect myself and to spare my infant from any contact of any chemical of sorts. Especially since I had been breastfeeding. Later on, I had experienced “falling hair” which may be caused by hormonal change/imbalance, again eliminating the possibility of treating my hair. And so by choice and by chance, I skipped the trips to the parlor.
So after quite sometime, I had considered doing something to my hair, maybe straighten or rebond my hair. But have not really quite gotten into it. Until now. I had thought, it’s now or never. And I have decided to really see an expert for once (Note: I've had straightened my hair somewhere before and the result was horrible.). And this is the time. I am also doing this for the simple fact of pampering myself. Now, pampering is too lavish a word..but honestly I rarely do this. I mean, I have not pampered myself since I gave birth to an adorable son. And I am rewarding myself this time for being a slave-mother..heheh..
So off I went to a salon my officemate recommended… surrendered my fate to the hairdresser who held me captive in a salon chair for hours…and just when I thought I’m already done, the hairdresser announced to my surprise to iron my hair in segments..that’s about 3 hours of being immobile..of praying hard that I will not get seared with the 120-C iron..of enduring the heat..of straining my neck and heating my bum.... and then came out of the salon 5 hours later unscathed and already sporting an uneven just-below-the-shoulder straight hair.
For now suffice to say is that I am satisfied.
Penned by ZAM at 4:54 PM
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
We will be meeting my hubby in the church today for MN’s burial. My parents,my sister and my son will be attending. My Tito and Tita (mother’s side), my cuz Ruby and my nephew, Andrei will be there, too.
As the funeral service progresses, the finality of it keeps on ringing in my head. So this is the final farewell. I really feel sad. Sad, knowing that my son will never have the chance to see and know her lola. Sad, for my husband because I know how much he cares for her.
Penned by ZAM at 2:11 PM
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
This will be the last day of the MN’s wake so I decided to bring Matt along, with the promise (to
my mother) of getting home before it gets late.
My son with his babyish understanding of the world around him is having a grand time walking, running and playing. It’s already passed his bedtime and I know he must be exhausted yet he is not yet asleep or hinting that he’s sleepy.
Must be 10PM when we – me, my sis and Matt- decide to go home. And because we’re looking for a taxi cab to bring us home, we had to walk few meters to get into the main traffic (DVSoria strip). Thus, Matt had his first DVSoria trip tonight (pics below: with Papa).
Penned by ZAM at 4:48 PM
Monday, December 25, 2006
My husband arrived in CDO today. Truth be known, I am feeling anxious because I don’t know how he would react when he sees the wake.
He seems relaxed while playing at home with my son. I felt his happiness upon seeing and holding Matt. But I wonder how he truly feels under that casual veneer. I only got my clue when we’re climbing the stairs to the room where MN’s wake is. He said he’s nervous. I could have stayed home with my dear son today (to celebrate Christmas Eve), but I’m glad I chose to be with my husband when he faces the reality of MN’s death.
Christmas Eve: We spent it in MN's wake, along with my husband's relatives
Penned by ZAM at 3:45 PM
Sunday, December 24, 2006
We just finished saying our communal prayer for MN’s soul. I checked my phone and saw a call from my husband that I missed. So he’s already in the country, at last. Maybe he’s just landed when he called.
Minutes later, I’m already listening to his voice on the other end of the line. How I missed him. I’m so glad to be talking to him.
Penned by ZAM at 3:43 PM
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Today is my husband’s birthday. At an entirely difficult situation, I sent an email of greetings and telling him of MN’s passing. It was a hard feat for me. I tried to be straightforward yet sympathetic. Realistic yet positive, in my email. And I hope I am successful.
I really am so worried about my husband’s disposition when he hears (err, reads) the news.
Penned by ZAM at 1:33 PM
Sunday, December 17, 2006
I had a hard time sleeping last night. First, because my son is having trouble sleeping. Matt kept on tossing and turning around in our bed (makeshift) in the middle of the night which is quite unusual because he’s been a straight sleeper for a few months now. Between 230 and 3AM, he woke up again giggling and wanting to play. Even when all the lights are out (including our night lamp), he refused to go back to sleep. I had to hold him in my arms to calm him down.
Second, I keep on checking my phone for any urgent messages about MN.
With all these, I woke up very early in the morning despite the sleepless night. My sister-in-law left a message in phone saying that MN is already looking for us. In her state, I know I should be bringing my son along but common sense told me not bring him. Because, in times like this, bringing a baby (hyperactive, at that!) would just pose a problem. So alone, I set off to the hospital. On my way there, I received an email from my husband (his reply from my email informing him of her mother’s state).
When I arrived, the doctor was already talking to Joy, her husband and my other sister in law –Inday. The doctor said MN’s not gonna make it for long. It’s just a matter of hours, days.. “maybe 3 days or maybe hours from now.” The infection she contracted stole the days of her life. The oxygen and antibiotics are now her only sustenance; these may prolong her life, but not really for long.
Her sisters and brothers surrounded her in her hospital bed, keeping watch since last night.
Before noontime, her siblings are slowly taking turns talking to her. When they prodded me to talk to her, I willingly obliged. I know I am here not only for myself but to make up for her son and her grandson’s presence, as well. I assuaged her, told her not to worry about us, that we’ll be okay. She just nodded her head. Instinctively, I held her hand. Because I know, this might be the last. I cried thinking that his son and grandson may never be able to hold her hands and see her alive. Silently, I offered a prayer for her healing, and peaceful rest – to spare her of this agony and pain. That is the only best thing I can do at that instant.
Few minutes before 3PM, MN passed away.
Penned by ZAM at 4:24 PM
Saturday, December 16, 2006
I woke up early in the morning with a message on my mobile already waiting for me. My sister- in- law said MN is already so weak.
I took a hurried bath and finished my breakfast as fast as I could. I was already in the city, when my sis-in-law texted me again saying that they are bringing MN to the hospital.
I arrived in the hospital ER to find MN lying in a stretcher. Skinny, yellowed and weak. Vital signs were no longer favorable : BP and glucose count were too low.
My father in law was already by her side.
I was beginning to worry as I stare at her wasted condition. I must admit that I am not so comfortable looking at her, wincing and writhing in pain. I feel so sad thinking of the woman she’s once been- robust, healthy and beautiful.
Few minutes later, her doctor spoke to Joy and me. His news is not pleasant either, as expected. MN’s health is rapidly deteriorating. He’s suspecting an infection in the lung (causing her breathing difficulty) that’s why he’s recommending an X-Ray exam for her.
Before she was ushered in the X-Ray Room, I saw her vomiting/spitting (blood) and alarm bells rang in my head. I asked to take a leave to get some money in the bank.
When I came back, I also brought Coke in cans and M&Ms for MN (she might need these to get her sugar at a normal level).
Penned by ZAM at 2:20 PM
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
I didn't know that I was in for a pleasant surprise when my sis sent me an invitation to view her online pics..Boy, what I saw merits a portion in this blog..heheheh.. and a whistle..witwit!
I am only too happy for her..For the stuffs she's been able to do, places she's gone to and things she's seen.
So here she is..Presenting my sis in her winter-party regalia...Tadaaa...
Years and years ago, I would have thought that she can be contented with a shirt-jean garb. I am mistaken.
Penned by ZAM at 2:57 PM
Thursday, December 07, 2006
The Balikbayan package, which my sister sent and one that we've all been waiting for, came at last.
Clothes, mostly for me and my other sis. Polos for Papa. Shoes, for the three of us--Mama, my sis and me (but all ended up to be Mama's..hehehe). Wallets, again for the three of us. Toys for my son. Home decors. Toilettries, for everybody. DVDs.
Wines. Rice. And chocolates - loads of it.
My sister, she must have been hoarding these thing all this time. LOL..And the extravagance. She has sent us twice this year! Not that I am complaining, far from it. In fact, we are all soooo grateful for all her gifts because she always put an effort to include everybody (well not everybody but immediate family and some close relatives, I mean). Really. I'm just amazed at the things she bought for us. And she never forgets to send something for her nephews and neices, as well.
When I think about, she can very well do so and not spare a thought about it. She can afford the luxury of shopping for her kinsmen because she's still single and is not supporting anyone but herself. (Which is something I cannot say for myself.. lol)
Penned by ZAM at 12:05 PM
Monday, December 04, 2006
At last, I found the PB’s fall finale episode in the net after days and days of searching. What a fruitful day today is! After series of searches, my patience paid off. Nice reward, I’ve got.
I know, I know. I’m kinda far behind from schedule but boy, was I so darn happy that I found it (and able to view it!). Last week, despite my better judgment, I was not able to keep myself from reading the summary. But it didn’t lessen my anticipation; if it were possible, reading even fueled it some more.
I could have cared less that the episodes (from you tube) were chopped into parts, I’m too engrossed to the series of events unfolding before my eyes. I must give credits to the writers/directors and the peeps behind this great show. And for the superb storytelling.
I must say that I am far from contented after seeing it. I am clamoring for moooooore! My God, I am thinking of the word “sobriety” just now. This is really what the producers are expecting, right? But this is clean fun, y’know. And I can’t wait for next year’s episodes. Too bad, I have to wait for more than a month before I can see the new episodes again.
I- along with the rest of the PB addicts- will be waiting. Sure thing.
Friday, December 01, 2006
At last, I was able to open my mail when I got in the office today. I wasn’t able to do so at home. Must be because of the bulk of the attachment that opening it using my phone this morning is a hopeless case. Just when I needed to.
So this is the email that my husband sent the other night which I didn’t receive--that he had to resend last night. These are his pics, must have been taken during one of their excursions somewhere in Cebu. He had this “sniper” attire on and I have no idea when or where these were taken. I am surprised; and it's a pleasant feeling.
As I was staring at the picture on the screen, you bet that I really am smiling. But deep inside I’m throbbing with -fine, let’s admit it- this thingie called loneliness. I can’t help it. Miss my hubby, big time. Esp that he’s flown to Japan just this morning (and will be staying there for 3 weeks or so).
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Been searching the net for the Episode 13 of Prison Break Season2, but for the life of me I couldn't find it. Yesterday, there was none. Today, nothing. Yeah, I've read about the synopsis and the viewer's comments and it's making me itch..I'm already itching to watch it.
It's not on youtube (the whole episode, I mean). Or anywhere else. There's one site, though, that says viewing for free but I couldn't download the file. What the heck.
Man, I'm half desperate. C'mon, gimme that file. Now.
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
One fine summer (2006) , my hubby and I went to one of the places in the Phils where the beaches are oh so beautiful.
Clear skies. Blue waters. And the sand so fine and white. Bohol.
Stayed at Bohol Beach Club. Here are some of the pics we took.
Sunday, November 19, 2006
It’s my last day off for the week today and tomorrow, I’ll be going back to work. It’s just fitting that I treat myself to another evening of movie watching. Well, not really in the huge silverscreen as I was just in my sis room watching Lakehouse - a Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock starrer.
I will not give the details of the story but suffice to say that the plot touches on the issue of “another” dimension. A lovestory cut to hit the emotional chords of the audience. Attempting to. And plays tricks with the time element of each character’s lives.
I don’t know why, but I had this feeling that that the director/producer is only capitalizing too much on the Sandra-Keanu chemistry. That’s not a bad thing though because chemistry is important in every lovestory. But so is a good dialogue, sequence. Equally important, I think.
But then this is just my opinion, that’s all. Maybe amateurish. I’m far from writing a review. All in all, it’s not a bad movie. The fans and some viewers may not agree with me. (And the fans may hate me for this!) But I was just looking for the Meet-Joe-Black feel of it but found out that there was none.
Saturday, November 18, 2006
Thursday, November 16, 2006
Hubby is earning plenty of bonus points these days. Last Nov 11, he took a qualifying exam for a position in a different company ( Co X). He was scheduled to have another exam last Monday Nov 13. Although he was preparing for the latter, he backed out at the last minute. No, not that he chickened-out. But because at the Co X, from his research, the December holidays are short. Shorter compared to what he is enjoying with his present employer (Co Y). At Co X, only the Christmas and New Year are non-working days. While in Co Y, days in between these days are also considered holidays. This means he can have a long vacation at home, which will be translated to longer time for his family. His only longer vacation in a year. Precious time he can spend with us. According to him.
He was a no-show @ Co X that day. But he showed me more than enough that we - Matt and -truly are important to him. Especially since he gave up the chance of getting the job – which is an enticing position (his words).
Plus, 500 points again! Clap, clap, clap!
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
Looking back, at this day a year ago, I went through my morning walk just like any ordinary day. Apart from last night’s tightening of my belly muscles (enough to rob me some sleep), everything’s fine. Pain here and there. But it’s gone before I could finish counting up to ten. Few minutes later, it’s back. But the pain was manageable, nothing that I couldn’t handle. I was already spotting (blood), a result of the “tissue-stripping” performed on me by my OB during my last check-up (Saturday). I was already expecting this, thanks to my online pregnancy class! And boy was I so calm!
With my parents’ insistence, I was brought to the hospital at 3PM. Being a Sunday, my OB was not in the hospital. A not-so gentle resident doctor at the ER IE-ed me. Thanks GOD, she’s a "she." I cringed at the thought of a male DR performing an IE on me! My dilation was still at 2 cm so we asked if it’s okay to go home. In reality, I had wanted to go to the Mall but the resident DR advised me to stay put (as she’s coordinating with my OB ). Minutes passed, I was advised to be sent to the Labor Room and was given the option to climb the stairs myself or have somebody push me in a wheelchair. I said I’m fine [and that climbing the stairs was perfectly okay to me.]
The LR, where I was ushered was not so big; but it had 1 CR, an examination table, a bed and some tech to monitor the baby’s heartbeat etc... When I got there, I was made to wear a gown having this big slit at the back, making me feel a bit uneasy. I was not so keen on staying in the LR. First, because when we came, somebody in the LR was already writhing in pain, looking as if she’d collapse any minute. I got really scared just watching her. Second, the number of nurses in the LR bothered me. Too many, to my viewpoint.
When the OB came, she looked at our stats (we – me and that "writhing" girl- shared the same OB ). Obviously, that girl was far ahead in labor than I was because the OB said I could go back to my room in the hosp (not at home-lol) and that I could call the nurse if my labor pains get worse.
Since there’s no available private room for us, Mama and I spent our night at the OB ward. That night the pain didn’t get worse. Like last night, it would come and minutes later, would go away.
This is the day!
Morning of November 14, 2005, I was still feeling okay- a little anxious but still calm. Anxious because I really had no idea what MY labor would be like. Calm, because I knew I needed to be calm. A nervous wreck would be the last thing I should be, I counseled myself.
We – my mother and I -- walked around the hospital lobby early in the morning in the hope of advancing my labor. Still there’s no notable progress so Mama left for work when my father arrived in the hospital (hubby was an overnight trip by boat away).
It was at almost noontime when I was ushered to the LR again. I was still feeling okay, no “steady pain” felt. However, when an IV tube was inserted on my hand, I flinched ouch! That was painful! I had wanted to scream (That was my first IV ever, as far as I can recall).
"For what?" I had wanted but forgot to ask. Hours later, I became aware that I was “drugged”.
And later on I would know, what the drug was for - meds to induce my labor. For Christ sake, I wouldn’t want to be induced! I had wanted to have a drug-free labor, if possible. No sooner had I thought, Oh well, too late now than I was already feeling its effect by having contractions, though not much and not for long.
Noontime came and from the little breakfast that I’ve had, I could hear my stomach complaining. My father Papa had to buy arroz caldo to silence its demands. No solid food yet, advised the OB.
Little after noontime, I was IE-ed again. No big improvement.
Noting that there was little response with the drug, the OB ordered for my dosage to be increased. An hour later, my contractions were getting close at interval. And I was already getting the “pains” -- but the extent was still manageable.
About 3PM, because my progress is quite slow, my OB had to perform amniocentesis on me (to break my bag of water to hurry the labor).
Mama came to the hosp at about 4PM or so. With the increased dosage, I was already having real pain then but I kept it to myself. I was not shouting or crying, just acknowledging my pain in silence.
My bag of water broke and blood was trickling down on me. But I was so ready for all of these. I had anticipated more pain – I kept on expecting more and more and some more while remembering my yoga breathing exercise and the tips of my online class. I willed myself to stay calm because I am aware of the effect of fear to our organs. And I was at peace. I had never been calmer in my whole life. Mama, on the other hand, was a bundle of nerves and seeing her that way was making me uncomfortable so I asked her to just wait outside the LR.
Minutes after 5PM, I was feeling like moving my bowel again (earlier, I moved my bowel in the LR’s CR). Little did I know that this signals the later stage of labor (I must have missed this tiny but relevant detail in my online class). It was then that the attending midwife requested for a wheelchair, but instead a stretcher was sent for me. There was no time to ask questions.
As I was rushed to the delivery room (DR), it dawned on me that this must already be “it.” In one corner of the DR, I can hear my OB asking the midwife how far in labor was I. Vaguely, I heard say, “crowning”. Crowning in layman’s term means the head is already coming out.
Acting on an instinct, I could remember myself trying to make out the position I should be in the delivery bed. And I was already in the process of pushing when the OB advised me to relax and hold my breath for just a sec.
The next moment, she was already coaching me to push and I was already pushing hard. As far as I can remember, I only got to push thrice - the third time I pushed, my baby came out. My world came to a halt at that instant as I heaved a sigh of relief and whispered a prayer of thanks. While the word “mother” echoed in the far recesses of my mind, my baby was handed to me. “Welcome to this world” were the very first words I heard myself utter to my baby as I lovingly held him in my arms.
I couldn’t believe that after months and months of carrying a heavy and bulging tummy, here he is and I am holding him now. At last! I thought: I am a mother and I am this baby’s mother. It was a very tear-jerker moment. Just amazing. A moment of surreal quality.
And the next thing I knew, I was being stitched already (yes, I had an episiotomy and although I can clearly remember the feel of tissue tearing, I didn’t feel much pain while being slashed then. I must have been numb with all the emotions). But in my euphoric state of mind, I mumbled a request for an anesthesia (And to think I had wanted an all-natural delivery! LOL) but my OB only laughed and said “Do you think you need one?”
Days later, in the confines of my OB ’s clinic, I would know that I only had analgesia the entir time I was stitched. And if it were any consolation to my part, the OB said that my tolerance to pain is remarkable. [But then I think that pain must really be all in the mind. I hope I don’t sound smug, but then my mindset must have made the real difference.]
I just hope my recovery would be fairly easy too.
Friday, November 10, 2006
Thursday, November 09, 2006
I am so surprised to hear from my dear husband that he will be filing a half-day leave today to scout for jobs abroad. As a backgrounder, hubby rarely takes a leave, goes absent or comes to work late. He is the perfect example of a model employee. Swear. No kidding.
So I raised my eyebrow when he said he’ll take a leave on a Wednesday afternoon. And more so, because of that reason.
When asked why, he said he’d rather go than see me leave our son to work abroad. But whether he was only trying to impress or patronize me with the way he tackled my question with that reply, he earned a 200 bonus points there! Whatever, the reason, I am half-impressed anyway.
So off he goes; hopping from POEA to other agencies. Good luck to him!
Monday, November 06, 2006
I wasn’t planning to take a leave when hubby is around but I think the situation calls for it. An exception to my rule, haha.
We, with Matt, visited MN today. Few times, I visited my in-laws alone. But mostly, we’d visit when hubby is at home. And most of these times, we leave our son with my parents. This time, I made it a point to tag our son along so MN can see him. Main reason, really. Rare chances. If this is all that we need to do to make her happy, then we will go.
MN was so only too happy to see Matt. And Matt was his playful self when we arrived. Even identified Lola (MN) immediately.
When it was time to go home, MN was saying her thank yous profusely. Emotional me was on the verge of crying too. Only that I was able to contain myself.
Penned by ZAM at 2:17 AM
Sunday, November 05, 2006
My mother in-law (MN) is diabetic and recently, she’s got complications with some of her vital organs, the liver and the pancreas.
From hubby’s look when he came home after accompanying her to the DR, I know the news must be unfavorable. He said it’s bad. The doctors said that from the lab results, she has barely a year to live. Six months, one said. So much medical lingo. But from what I gather her pancreas has nodules which may be cancerous; its ducts are already dilated. Consequently, this condition gives her a hard time from absorbing much needed nutrients and explains why she has lost so much weight. In fact, she’s so skinny now than she ever was seven months ago. Skin and eyes are yellowish. Leg cramps – the worst case, making her less mobile. Her abdominal area aches. Hollowed look. And the circles around her eyes must be indications of what she is going through everyday.
While listening to my husband talk about his mother, I know how painful this must be for him. Especially since he is so close to his mother. The mere fact that he used to sleep beside MN during his college years is proof enough of this relationship.
But he surmised, that it might be better when it is over and done with—soon. To spare her from more pain. To see him agonizing over MN’s impending death is heartbreaking. He cried and I felt his pain. And that very moment I wish there was something I could do or say to make the sad look in my husband’s eyes disappear.
Penned by ZAM at 3:14 PM
Saturday, November 04, 2006
I feel like a teenager. One happy teenager. Come now, isn’t it embarrassing? Almost 30 and still going gaga over somebody.
Uhm well, he’s not just somebody – he’s one cute actor from the series Prison Beak. Obviously not Brad Pitt this time.. It's Wellington Miller. Aww!
Hubby - while still in Cebu- told me that he was not able to copy the episodes of the Prison Break Season 2. I was so dismayed to hear that. Disappointed. Crestfallen. Because I have been looking forward to see Miller when hubby gets home. Huh?!
Oh well, I’m excited to see my dear husband when he comes home and all the more excited because I know he’d be bringing the copies. And I have been counting the days when hubby gets here (because he promised to bring them). But then he said, he wasn’t able to make copies and that he’s sorry. So there, forget it.
But, but, but…Yesterday, I was so surprised when he handed me CDs. Looks like, he must have forgotten all about it the very first day he arrived. But that’s okay. What matters most is that he kept his promise and that I have the copies in my possession! Haha! I watched few new episodes yesterday. And oh God, I’m so thrilled. Ecstatic. I’ll be having a date with Miller tonight, again.
Big thanks plus hugs to hubby --who has gone a lot of last-minute trouble just to copy those episodes for me! And the fact that he went to great lengths just so I can see the Prison Break won't go unnoticed. I really am so grateful and happy; hence, this blog entry.
Penned by ZAM at 12:14 PM
Thursday, November 02, 2006
In the days that my husband will be home, I planned not to take a leave from my work. It will be better that way. He will have his bonding time with our son and I can save some VL days to be used later. Or have it converted to cash next year =).
So here I am, working. Morning shift again. And desperately trying to fight off the cloud of sleep that is still lingering in my head.
After grabbing a pair of jeans, shirt and some toiletries, I was off to work @ 530AM. I am expected to be in the office @ 6AM today. Morning shit, err , shift, we call it. Unfortunately my login time reads LATE. Fortunately – I tried to console myself, I am just 6 or 7 mins late.
My hubby left a message in my phone which, in my hurry, I wasn’t able to read. He is expected to arrive today from Cebu and he is asking me if I can come in a little later in the morning or perhaps take a leave. Too late, I’m already in the office—trying hard to get rid of zzzzz thoughts.
Five days. Five glorious days when I can have an extra pair of hands to help me tend Matt. Who knows, maybe I’d get enough hours for myself –to visit a salon or watch movies. Heavens, I’m already dreaming!
I am off to meet my hubby somewhere. A rendezvous! Nah, you’re wrong, it’s not that. It’s my mother-in-law’s 57th birthday today and we’re heading to my hubby’s folks’ place.
Friday, September 08, 2006
Maybe I have been so used with the presence of some men in my life, and the things they do for me. Before you get things wrong, let me explain. When my two brothers are still living in our house, I could just ask them to fix the light, the door, check the faucet, pick some coconuts (true!).. Or there are times, that before I could ask them these favors, one of them has already done what was still in my mind. I don’t think I am ultra-dependent on them. Contrary to that, I believe in the essence of self reliance. And though in fact I hate the picture of me being a damsel in distress, I think their presence can sometimes save you from other tasks.
But those were the days. Papa @ 64 is still healthy, thanks God. But there are things I don’t want to burden him with. Or there are new technology which he has not gotten used with. Like repairing the remote controls. Or the PC.
Or some other task which I could be only too happy to delegate..hehe..
These days, with only Mama, Papa, my sister, me and my son – Matt at home- among us, I was left to do some things, my husband or brothers could have easily done. I miss those days, not because I hate these tasks but because with a tot --as hyperactive as Matt is--around, I already have more than enough in my hands.
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
He’s so cool. Suave. In his blue-gray eyes (at least that’s the color I thought of them), he has this strong-vulnerable look, the gentle-rogue look. The eyes could melt your heart. Intense. Ah yes, smart.
Miller, in Prison Break, is no doubt the bonus in the high-rater TV series. The plots, characters, scenes are getting the audience share the producers must have been expecting when they were brainstorming. Me, included. I’m hooked with the Season 1 episodes my husband brought with him when he came home.
Saturday, August 19, 2006
Friday, August 04, 2006
Been to the city to run some errands for some members of my family.
And with this, I have the privilege of having some time to gallivant. Since I have Matt, I have forgotten to own my time. And I have given up spending some time alone since I needed to attend to my son’s needs while I’m at home. I also need to relieve my father from the responsibility of taking care of my son (Read: to give father some time to relax while I’m at home).
So given that I have to keep my distance from Matt these days, I can also look at the bright side of things. That is, I may be a little sick but this has given me some time for myself. Precious time. I was able to shop for a new pair of sandals and a pair of jeans.
I even have a little more free time in the afternoon to splurge into a spa trip. It was heavenly, that part of my afternoon spent at the local spa. It’s been eighteen months since I’ve been to a spa. The last time was in Cebu, during one of my company-sponsored trainings, before I got pregnant.
And to complete my to-do list, I visited my mother in-law after my visit to the spa.
Penned by ZAM at 11:23 AM
Thursday, August 03, 2006
I’m feeling better by the day. Thanks God again. I hope to be able to hold my son before this week ends. I missed holding him close.
These days, I can barely stay for 3mins in our room so as to protect my son. I choose to. And even if I linger for a little longer, mother sends me away if I stayed longer than 3mins.
This evening, I peeked inside our room to see what he’s doing. Playing, with Nanay. With my mother’s command, I retreated from our room. But Matt cried. I came back and gently told him not to cry because Mama is going out to clean his bottles. Hours later, I got back to say my quick goodnight before he can doze off to sleep.
Penned by ZAM at 4:22 AM
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
I had an uninterrupted sleep last night, thanks GOD. Better, since the start of my “exile” in my sis’ room.
Today, I passed up the chance of attending a company event. I ‘m here at home trying to get my much needed rest. Here, in my sis’ room again.
Tatay and Matt must be playing. The laughter of my son rang from the other room. Play time. I miss it these days.
Penned by ZAM at 1:18 PM
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
I barely slept last night. I had trouble sleeping. I couldn’t breathe. Coughing fits.
I have been to the office earlier today. But I came down to accomplish the top of my prio list, that is, to visit the dr today. I was prescribed a one-dose 60ml antibacterial med which I took at home at 4Pm. This is my 1st time to take a 1-dose antibiotic. Those I know are taken daily for a week. According to its literature, the common side-effects of the drug include headache and loose bowel movement. As of this writing, I feel like I had one-too-many alcoholic drink. In a nutshell, drunk. Drugged. Literally. And I feel queasy in the stomach but I haven’t had a bathroom trip though. The text under its name says “prolonged- releasing granules.” I wonder if it means I will have to feel like this for days, maybe a week. Oh!
It's now 5PM. I hope to feel a little better an hour from now. But better or not, I’ll still be camping in my sis’ room. And will be sleeping with the stuff toys, among other litter that dominates her bed.
Penned by ZAM at 9:04 AM
Monday, July 31, 2006
Another night spent here in my sis’ room. Another day spent without holding my son. By now, he must have been wondering why Mama has kept her distance. He’ll understand. Young as he is, I’ll make him understand that it’s better this way. I’d rather do this- sacrifice my need to be near him than take an unnecessary risk. But oh, how I missed playing with Matt!
The time I spent in the office today is uneventful. Yep, I reported to the office today, since I won’t have anything to do at home anyway (relative to my son, that is). I know that if I stay at home, I might end up just blogging, surfing and then blogging some more. And today, being a Sunday, I know we won’t get that much workload so I decided that I might as well save my VL and report to work.
I’m getting coughing fits every now and then. Although that terrible sore throat has waned a bit, I’ll still put it in my to-do list as top prio to visit the dr tomorrow. Get some medication, of course.
Penned by ZAM at 1:48 PM
Saturday, July 29, 2006
I decided not to work today to have my much needed rest. I felt so bad yesterday. I have muscle pains all over my body. Must be flu.
Last night, I had to take some med to control the slight fever, and then I had asked my sister to give me body massage to relieve me of some body pains. And it was the first time I slept away from my son even if I'm at home. My mother and sis slept beside him. I had a hard time sleeping the other night. Must be because of the sore throat. Or the cold (Matt has trouble sleeping without the aircon, so I had to endure it the whole night).
My father and mother alternately are taking care of my son today. (Bless them.) I haven’t been able to hold Matt today.
Today, I have to sleep in my sister’s room (where this PC sits desolately) to keep myself from transmitting virus or bacteria (God forbids!). I was to “recuperate” here. But the PC must have been mocking me in its silence.
I hope to feel better tomorrow.
Penned by ZAM at 4:14 PM
I went drivetesting with my colleagues today. Drivetesting is a telecoms jargon. To drivetest means to check the coverage and quality of the service or to see the kind of service we are providing to our subscribers. For us working in the mobile telecoms company, this may indicate whether we have optimized the network ( I mean, our resources).
We visited some of the posh neighborhoods within CDO. Some fancy subdivisions. Big houses. Houses with big lawns. Elegant houses. Houses with luxury cars parked in the garage. Well-designed houses. Some with manicured and carefully maintained lawns. I may have seen them. But I am lost in thought as we drive through all these properties. I scan around me and I think to myself, I also wish to have them, too. I want to own one elegant house, maybe have a decent car. Material things. And some more material things. Not to mention resources to afford holiday vacations abroad. I know I'm not bad, oh maybe just a little bad. But I don’t know if wanting these makes me so bad. Truth is, sometimes I long for material things in life. Maybe me just being human. And reality really bites.
Lately, my hubby and I discussed the possibility of one of us working abroad or immigrate. Plans. Nothing concrete yet. But with one of us working abroad, some of my dreams may materialize. But then what do I give up for all these things? In exchange for what? A happy and intact family? Can I give up my son’s full growing up years with us his parents present?
I would hope for good things for me and my family, secure Matt’s future and all. But I am also confused. Maybe a little lost. Because being a mother, I also want to give him a childhood he’d love to remember. A childhood like mine, being able to see and hold both of my parents everyday. I also like to have my husband beside me through our daily battles in life. But then, a house, a car, vacations, and more. Can I live with these extravagant things but lose the things that really matter to me?
Along this line, I still question myself again. Can I carry the responsibility of being Matt’s only (present) parent, while Cris is away, working his butt off just to provide a much better future for us all?
Saturday, July 22, 2006
I was not promoted this year. In my company, we call it upgrade. Different terms but it means the same thing: a raise in the monthly salary.
To say the least, I am disappointed. Of course! I have given my best shot in everything and performed what was required of me by my boss. When I learned of the yearly appraisal result, I did not cry. I have not cried. Nearly but did not.
With this latest development in my career, I am not so motivated to carry on with my work. I don't even want to take my driving accreditation. And I think , I am giving everybody in the office a hard time, especially my boss.
I wanted to give this up. And if only I have other means to support my family. Even wanted to apply for work abroad, or be an immigrant somewhere. I am still trying to find a little inspiration to work hard, I hope I can find it. Because right now, I feel so tired, so angry and so hurt.
My husband tried to motivate me, with a little success.. But I am trying. Everyday, I am trying to debrief myself that life isn't just about careers, a raise in salary, a promotion. And that there's more to life than wallowing in the sea of bitterness.
Penned by ZAM at 1:45 AM
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
I have been tinkering with our PC since I came home; trying to test whether the video card is defective. When I came out of my sister's room (where the PC is), Mother saw me with a screwdriver in my hand. Was it panic or concern painted on her face? The kind that says I'm-concerned-whether-you-know-how-to-use-the-screwdriver. When she stopped,
she asked me if she should call somebody to fix the PC.
Ouch! Sometimes, she forgets my line of work. Although I cannot trust myself with serious
troubleshooting with gizmos and gadgets, I can at least perform simple tests, basic troubleshooting. Be it work-related or not. Just the basic though, like resetting BTS (well, there's always a reset button somewhere, smirk! ), replacing plug-in units (replace and replace until it works, hehe), commissioning BTS (we only click the buttons on the screen)? I could go on if that can erase the weird look on her face. (Ma, are you reading this now?heheh)..
Kidding aside, I just wanted to assure her that although these things are not really "pieces-of-cake" for me, but that I can manage. For now.
*Note BTS- in layman's term , the cellsite. Calls using the mobile phone is possible with the help of the BTS.
Penned by ZAM at 2:37 PM
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
I got a love email from my husband today. I'm quite surprised. Even more surprised with the emotions in the sentences. As I cannot discuss the details here, it is suffice to say that I haven't stopped hoping that someday, Matt and I will be seeing him when we wake up every morning each day.
Monday, June 19, 2006
I was still young then. About eight or nine, I cannot be sure. Papa was on his way to "fetch" our cow. I was supposed to stay home but I did not. Up to this day, I don't know what came over me. I followed him on his track, hiding behind bushes and trees scattered along the way.
Oblivious to my intentions, he went about his task. A sudden movement in the bushes distracted him and eventually led to his discovery of my presence in the area.
Since then, it was a longstanding joke that I am a "kujog-baboy" to my Pa. And up til now, my father remembers and recounts vividly the details of that incident. Much to everyone's pleasure (not to mention my embarrassment!).
You see, my father loves details. He embellishes every story he tells with the tiniest detail.
In my early elementary years, he'd draw my art projects for me.
He is the rod of discipline. He's always there to reprimand and scold us whenever we get naughty, and then provide mouth-watering kiddie treats afterwards.
All through my 29 years, he's there to guide me-and my siblings. And compared to my Mother, Pa is always the first one who gives his "point- by-point" advices (as we'd like to call it). As a matter of fact, although I first revealed my marriage plans to Ma, it was with my father that I first discussed the matter. Mother was just too emotional at that time.
He always emanates a feeling of security -always the source of comforting words. Being a just a kid, there were more than a thousand things that can scare you. Simply being with him is comforting enough.
And maybe we go back to being a kid at heart in some situations. Because when I was about to give birth, my Pa was with me the whole time I was inthe Labor Room. Before I was brought to the Delivery Room, he was the only one who stayed with me. (I decided to have my Ma wait outside because she was making me nervous; and hubby is still in Cebu).
These days, my 63-yr old father saved me again by playing nanny to my seven-month old son whenever I go to work. ( He volunteered even before I give birth; and he and mama refused to get a nanny for Matt).
I think I am not a Papa's girl. Really. But I hear people call me that and I don't mind a bit.
Sunday, April 30, 2006
I’m so excited. Few hours from now, I’ll be home with my son.
I woke up at 2AM to make sure that everything’s in order before I check out from the hotel. My brother accompanied me to the airport, to help me with my baggage.
Waiting in the airport lounge for my flight (boarding) to be announced, I entertained myself with photos of my son saved in my phone. Did he already forget about me? Will he remember my as his “mama”?
I marveled at how I managed to survive the lonely nights in Manila. Sure, I had bouts of depression every time I get to my hotel room with only the TV as my company. I had crying sessions every time I remember my son while I lay down in bed, waiting for sleep to carry me to Dreamland. Buckets of tears! I promised to myself that If I can help it, after this one, I would decline all out-of-base trainings. I am just not ready for another week-long separation, for now.
Fast forward. I heaved a sigh of relief upon opening our front door. When Nanay came out carrying Matt, I was beaming with joy. And I had a taste of heaven when I saw my darling son grinning upon seeing me.
Penned by ZAM at 4:01 AM
Thursday, April 20, 2006
It’s been 3 hours since I last held my son in my arms. And I already missed him- terribly, that is. I missed hearing his laughter and his baby talks, seeing his toothless grin and watching him scramble from one side of the bed to the opposite side.
The drone of the aircraft engine, as it navigates its route to Manila, was unable to muffle this longing.
I tried to relax in my seat but the thought of what my 10-day stay in Manila was making me more uneasy than the air pockets were causing.
For the nth time since my boss called up about a company training in Manila, I wondered whether my decision to accept the training is sound. How will I ever survive a 10-day training away from home? Time and time again, I’m having one of those unending debate with myself about my priorities-- of issues between my career and my family.
As the plane touched down the tarmac, I closed my eyes and silently prayed that Matt will be okay, with his health and all. That’s all I can do for now.
Monday, March 27, 2006
Here's a lovely story- so inspiring.)
This is a true story that happened in Japan.In order to renovate the house, someone in Japan tears open the wall. Japanese houses normally have a hollow space between the wooden walls.When tearing down the walls, he found that there was a lizard stuck there because a nail from outside hammered into one of its feet. He sees this, feels pity, and at the same time curious, as when he checked the nail, it was nailed 10 years ago when the house was first built.
The lizard has survived in such position for 10 years! In a dark wall partition for 10 years without moving, it is impossible and mind boggling. Then he wondered how this lizard survived for 10 years without moving a single step--since its foot was nailed!
So he stopped his work and observed the lizard, what it has been doing, and what and how it has been eating. Later, not knowing from where it came, appears another lizard, with food in its mouth. Ahh! He was stunned and touched deeply. For the lizard that was stuck by nail, another lizard has been feeding it for the past 10 years...
Such love, such a beautiful love! Such love happened even with this tiny creature ... What can love do? It can do wonders! Love can do miracles!
Imagine? it has been doing that untiringly for 10 long years, without giving up hope on its partner.
Imagine what a small creature can do that a creature blessed with a brilliant mind can't.
I was touched when I heard this story and started wondering about relationships between family members, friends, lovers, brothers, sisters.
As information and communication technology advances, our access to information becomes faster and faster. But the distance between human beings. . . is it getting closer as well?I ask you...please never abandon your loved ones.
LOVE is a gift, take it, let it grow.
LOVE is a sign we should wear, let it show.
LOVE is an act, do it, let it go.
( I love you very much, Honey. Lifetime is such a heavy word. But we'll just pray and hope to turn it to magic!)
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
Sunday, March 12, 2006
I met you before Blogville.
I met you in Blogville.
- Mine and Makiko
- Regina Thinks
- Rocks in my Dryer
Saturday, March 11, 2006
This seems like an ordinary day. Today. But two years ago, Cristopher & I tied the knot that made us one before men and God. T'was a simple wedding ceremony, attended by relatives and close friends.
We love each other, no doubt about that. Despite the oddity of our living arrangement, I've never regretted the decision I made 2 yrs ago. For two years now we've been living our lives away from each other. He, in cebu; me, here in CDO. We've been like this eversince the courtship started. We'd see each other once a month when the schedule permits or only during holidays.
After I gave birth, my hubby comes home on a monthly basis. But I really never knew what it was like to be married with someone you see everyday; someone, you share your meals and bed with everyday. I dont want to sound melodramatic now but I can't help but wish that someday - in the near future- we'll be living together.
For Matt's sake. I wanted my son to know how wonderful it is to be growing up with a father whom he can interact with everyday. I want him to see his Papa when he wakes up every morning. I want him to feel the joy of having a father- who gives him piggyback rides, hums him melodies, gives gentle massages and more. Just like me.
And for our marriage's sake. Don't get me wrong. I love my husband; I believe that we both love each other enough to make us true to the promise we made. But lately I realized that I am becoming more and more self-reliant with each passing day. There's no need to be alarmed (but still, there's no use to be complacent). Because it occurred to me, out of the blue -- what if time will come that I'd get so used with our present living arrangement that I might cease to long for the company of a husband. What happens then? Boy, I really am afraid of that.
(P.S. Hon, I wish I could have shared this with you in person. You would have been so proud. Matt rolled on his stomach by himself today)
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Funny how I panicked over a piece of paper that I suspected to be lost. You read it right, Just a piece of paper. My college diploma.
Because I couldn't find it in my personal folders at home and in the office, I began to panic. It's so amazing how the 5 years of blood, sweat and tears I spent in college could be rolled in one tangible thing- a piece of paper that can easily be misplaced (worst, reduced to ashes in few seconds when burned).
I could compromise an opportunity of working abroad just because I couldn't provide my college diploma! And what if I'd lose my job now, I'd run the risk of being jobless forever because there's no diploma to corroborate my claim of having graduated a course. What happens to us then.
Haunted with these thoughts, I was so frightened that I might have lost it somehow. So today, I risked being late for work and used the few minutes I could spare in the morning (before going to work) looking for it. It was a hurried and desperate hunt..I opened all possible folders I could set my hands on (at home) , panic slowly turning to frustration every minute that passed without catching a glimpse of it.
But after what seemed like eternity, I'm glad I found it. Stacked along with my old documents, there my diploma lay -- still crisp but already worn in the edges; the acidic paper has slowly turned to yellow with time.
But then what if I haven't found it? I'd lose all my dreams ..and my dreams for my family, for my darling Matt..down the drain just because of losing a piece of paper.
Saturday, March 04, 2006
Dan for Now
I purposely dropped by our local bookstore 5 days ago to get my nephew something on his 5th birthday. His gift--a book- is all I'd get, or so I thought. I ended up buying 2 more books for my own consumption, 1 is all about babies and the other one is a best seller (as the cover claimed) by Dan Brown.
Come to think of it, I would have thought twice of buying a nice pair of jeans or shoes or a cute blouse, but with the books- I didn't even bat an eyelash when I paid a considerable price for those 2 books ( Hon, don't get mad if I got carried away with the budget..hehe). Because books are my weakness. And I haven't had a new book for ages now.
I was done reading the two books in barely 2 days and this is a feat considering a very tight sked at home with my son, Matt...The 1st night I slept until the wee hours in the morning just to get the chapters going. The Da Vinci Code. And the Da Vinci Code left me wondering. (Not with my faith though.)
I felt disturbed with some details described in the book. Stirred may be an understatement and shaken, an overstatement- I really couldn't tell exactly as I cannot measure the extent to which I'm stirred or shaken. But to say the least, it has activated a button that made me think. The windmills in my mind is working overtime to get in terms with the bits and pieces of information. For one, I admired the author for coming up with such an interesting topic to write about. And I'm even amazed at the ingenuity of bringing in history in most conversations (in the book). All throughout, I felt like reading a novel but with details coming from my history book. For a moment there, I wished Dan would come up with novel-like textbooks. I'm sure every history student -even teachers- would appreciate it. It would really be interesting to take note of the retention of learning from students. It would have been a lot of fun reading my geography book in high school if written the Da-Vinci-Code way.
For me, it is surprisingly feminist in views especially since it is written by a male scribe. I wouldn't like to emphasize on the details because the book has said a lot and I would like to leave it at that. Although it's clearly biased, it has inspired me - I wouldn't like to use the word empowered for now. Because the role of a woman- especially to the conservative Filipinos- has been secondary to the man, being appreciated for just being a woman - of being a mother, wife, daughter, sister or girlfriend-- is refreshing and oh so, flattering. Other sensitive issues about religion, history, feminism, arts-- to name a few-- are presented. But I wouldn't comment on these things because somethings are not conclusive. (But you may read the book and we'll see).
But this I wanted to say with regards to the issue of Jesus' divinity : It made me think of the many possibilities in our lives, in our history. It raised plenty of what-ifs , which I have no answer for now (or maybe not ever). But faith -for me-includes the conviction of the existence even of the unseen. And with or without the answers, I only have the conviction deep within: that no matter what, I believe there's someone greater than all of us; someone who designed how our body works, how the planets rotate, how the plants, animals and human co-exist on Earth, etc. Most importantly, I believe there's someone who directs the play called LIFE.