Drive testing and daydreaming

I went drivetesting with my colleagues today. Drivetesting is a telecoms jargon. To drivetest means to check the coverage and quality of the service or to see the kind of service we are providing to our subscribers. For us working in the mobile telecoms company, this may indicate whether we have optimized the network ( I mean, our resources).

We visited some of the posh neighborhoods within CDO. Some fancy subdivisions. Big houses. Houses with big lawns. Elegant houses. Houses with luxury cars parked in the garage. Well-designed houses. Some with manicured and carefully maintained lawns. I may have seen them. But I am lost in thought as we drive through all these properties. I scan around me and I think to myself, I also wish to have them, too. I want to own one elegant house, maybe have a decent car. Material things. And some more material things. Not to mention resources to afford holiday vacations abroad. I know I'm not bad, oh maybe just a little bad. But I don’t know if wanting these makes me so bad. Truth is, sometimes I long for material things in life. Maybe me just being human. And reality really bites.

Lately, my hubby and I discussed the possibility of one of us working abroad or immigrate. Plans. Nothing concrete yet. But with one of us working abroad, some of my dreams may materialize. But then what do I give up for all these things? In exchange for what? A happy and intact family? Can I give up my son’s full growing up years with us his parents present?

I would hope for good things for me and my family, secure Matt’s future and all. But I am also confused. Maybe a little lost. Because being a mother, I also want to give him a childhood he’d love to remember. A childhood like mine, being able to see and hold both of my parents everyday. I also like to have my husband beside me through our daily battles in life. But then, a house, a car, vacations, and more. Can I live with these extravagant things but lose the things that really matter to me?

Along this line, I still question myself again. Can I carry the responsibility of being Matt’s only (present) parent, while Cris is away, working his butt off just to provide a much better future for us all?