Away again

Another night spent here in my sis’ room. Another day spent without holding my son. By now, he must have been wondering why Mama has kept her distance. He’ll understand. Young as he is, I’ll make him understand that it’s better this way. I’d rather do this- sacrifice my need to be near him than take an unnecessary risk. But oh, how I missed playing with Matt!

The time I spent in the office today is uneventful. Yep, I reported to the office today, since I won’t have anything to do at home anyway (relative to my son, that is). I know that if I stay at home, I might end up just blogging, surfing and then blogging some more. And today, being a Sunday, I know we won’t get that much workload so I decided that I might as well save my VL and report to work.

I’m getting coughing fits every now and then. Although that terrible sore throat has waned a bit, I’ll still put it in my to-do list as top prio to visit the dr tomorrow. Get some medication, of course.

AARRGGHH!

I decided not to work today to have my much needed rest. I felt so bad yesterday. I have muscle pains all over my body. Must be flu.

Last night, I had to take some med to control the slight fever, and then I had asked my sister to give me body massage to relieve me of some body pains. And it was the first time I slept away from my son even if I'm at home. My mother and sis slept beside him. I had a hard time sleeping the other night. Must be because of the sore throat. Or the cold (Matt has trouble sleeping without the aircon, so I had to endure it the whole night).

My father and mother alternately are taking care of my son today. (Bless them.) I haven’t been able to hold Matt today.

Today, I have to sleep in my sister’s room (where this PC sits desolately) to keep myself from transmitting virus or bacteria (God forbids!). I was to “recuperate” here. But the PC must have been mocking me in its silence.

I hope to feel better tomorrow.

Drive testing and daydreaming

I went drivetesting with my colleagues today. Drivetesting is a telecoms jargon. To drivetest means to check the coverage and quality of the service or to see the kind of service we are providing to our subscribers. For us working in the mobile telecoms company, this may indicate whether we have optimized the network ( I mean, our resources).

We visited some of the posh neighborhoods within CDO. Some fancy subdivisions. Big houses. Houses with big lawns. Elegant houses. Houses with luxury cars parked in the garage. Well-designed houses. Some with manicured and carefully maintained lawns. I may have seen them. But I am lost in thought as we drive through all these properties. I scan around me and I think to myself, I also wish to have them, too. I want to own one elegant house, maybe have a decent car. Material things. And some more material things. Not to mention resources to afford holiday vacations abroad. I know I'm not bad, oh maybe just a little bad. But I don’t know if wanting these makes me so bad. Truth is, sometimes I long for material things in life. Maybe me just being human. And reality really bites.

Lately, my hubby and I discussed the possibility of one of us working abroad or immigrate. Plans. Nothing concrete yet. But with one of us working abroad, some of my dreams may materialize. But then what do I give up for all these things? In exchange for what? A happy and intact family? Can I give up my son’s full growing up years with us his parents present?

I would hope for good things for me and my family, secure Matt’s future and all. But I am also confused. Maybe a little lost. Because being a mother, I also want to give him a childhood he’d love to remember. A childhood like mine, being able to see and hold both of my parents everyday. I also like to have my husband beside me through our daily battles in life. But then, a house, a car, vacations, and more. Can I live with these extravagant things but lose the things that really matter to me?

Along this line, I still question myself again. Can I carry the responsibility of being Matt’s only (present) parent, while Cris is away, working his butt off just to provide a much better future for us all?

So high with being low

I was not promoted this year. In my company, we call it upgrade. Different terms but it means the same thing: a raise in the monthly salary.

To say the least, I am disappointed. Of course! I have given my best shot in everything and performed what was required of me by my boss. When I learned of the yearly appraisal result, I did not cry. I have not cried. Nearly but did not.

With this latest development in my career, I am not so motivated to carry on with my work. I don't even want to take my driving accreditation. And I think , I am giving everybody in the office a hard time, especially my boss.

I wanted to give this up. And if only I have other means to support my family. Even wanted to apply for work abroad, or be an immigrant somewhere. I am still trying to find a little inspiration to work hard, I hope I can find it. Because right now, I feel so tired, so angry and so hurt.

My husband tried to motivate me, with a little success.. But I am trying. Everyday, I am trying to debrief myself that life isn't just about careers, a raise in salary, a promotion. And that there's more to life than wallowing in the sea of bitterness.

Mah-Meh-Mi

I have been tinkering with our PC since I came home; trying to test whether the video card is defective. When I came out of my sister's room (where the PC is), Mother saw me with a screwdriver in my hand. Was it panic or concern painted on her face? The kind that says I'm-concerned-whether-you-know-how-to-use-the-screwdriver. When she stopped,
she asked me if she should call somebody to fix the PC.

Ouch! Sometimes, she forgets my line of work. Although I cannot trust myself with serious
troubleshooting with gizmos and gadgets, I can at least perform simple tests, basic troubleshooting. Be it work-related or not. Just the basic though, like resetting BTS (well, there's always a reset button somewhere, smirk! ), replacing plug-in units (replace and replace until it works, hehe), commissioning BTS (we only click the buttons on the screen)? I could go on if that can erase the weird look on her face. (Ma, are you reading this now?heheh)..

Kidding aside, I just wanted to assure her that although these things are not really "pieces-of-cake" for me, but that I can manage. For now.

*Note BTS- in layman's term , the cellsite. Calls using the mobile phone is possible with the help of the BTS.